Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I guess Ari told him to do it

It's official now that Tiger Woods will return to competitive golf at the Masters. It makes perfect sense for a lot of reasons. Majors are the main thing he cares about (on the course, anyway) so it stands to reason he wouldn't want to miss one. The media's access is more controlled at that Masters than any other tournament, so it will be easy for him to talk as little as he wants. I've got practice round tickets for Tuesday and Wednesday this year, and I'll be very curious to get a firsthand look at how things seem to be going for Tiger when he's out there. What will be fascinating is how the announcers treat Tiger's return. We know that Augusta yanked Gary McCord off their broadcasts for the terrible sin of referring to the greens being smooth as "bikini wax". Will they tell the broadcasters they're forbidden to discuss the obvious story here?

In the last year it suddenly became the trend for anyone who got into trouble in football to seek out Tony Dungy for some combination of guidance and absolution for their sins. It was a little overdone, but I understand why people would want to be associated with Tony. He's a winner, a quality person, and a tremendously nice guy. What I can't figure out is how Ari Fleischer has suddenly become some sort of "go to guy" in sports. The former George W. Bush spokesman has been hired as a PR guru and then dumped by MLB and the Green Bay Packers, yet last week Tiger Woods reportedly hired him. Now Tampa Bay has him looking for a new Buccaneers Director of Communications, as if the Bucs problems last season were their spokesman's fault. It's not like Fleischer was some beloved figure as White House Press Secretary, and his sports PR strategies that have played out a national stage were ineffective. The BCS anti-playoff website and Twitter feed are active insults to the intelligence of anyone who cares about college football. Why are people hiring this guy?

One of the most trite things in the world to do this time of year is to have a "bracket" of women and vote them against each other to determine the hottest. This was really edgy stuff around the mid-90s. Esquire Magazine is doing just that, but there's one part of their rankings that's getting attention. Sixteenth in their sports seedings for sexiest woman alive is Lane Kiffin. Maybe he can turn this into some sort of positive, like Li'l Wayne's "shoutout". I'm just surprised at a shot like this coming from Esquire, which is generally more known for suggesting outfits for fall that cost thirteen thousand dollars. Must be a Tennessee alum on the staff somewhere. By the way, Scott Podsednik's wife is criminally underseeded, and Danica Patrick has no business being in the same conversation with Erin Andrews.

Mike Tyson is doing a new television show. You're expecting a train wreck reality show following Mike around and waiting for him to go crazy and kill someone, aren't you? Try Mike as competitive pigeon trainer instead. There have been previous pieces focused on Tyson's love of pigeon raising, and apparently Animal Planet wants to show just how intense the competition can be. If it keeps Mike from doing damage to himself or others, here's to the pigeons.

I read a lot of stories daily, but I haven't seen many quite as inane as this one. Did you know there are people who are on Facebook who later decide to delete their account and leave the website? The Boston Herald has the shocking truth! The idea that some of these narcissists really think the world cares whether they're on Facebook blows my mind. If you want to use it, go ahead. If not, don't. If that decision is causing you a great deal of mental angst, you clearly don't have a very challenging life.

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